We are driven. We are driven by desire, needs, urges, emotions and a plethora of other base level experiences far beyond our conscious knowing. It's an interesting topic because it brings awareness to the fact that we are barely ever in control of our lives and choices. We are driven by the unconscious yearnings and urges of our bodies and minds. And hearts, of course. So we are driven, and even examining that word reinforces the fact that we are controlled, compulsive, carried away and stimulated by the currents of our subconscious. It makes life seem more and less interesting knowing that this is absolutely true for every human being that exists in this moment. It makes life pleasantly simple and frustratingly uncontrollable at once.
What I'm thinking about, specifically, relative to this topic, is the fact that we become driven by things through conditioning that occurs throughout our lives. For instance, a young woman might learn that if she examines and understands what other people want from her, she can produce those desired qualities in herself, and therefore, receive love and validation. Love and validation are powerful rewards. So, at some point she is consciously driven by this desire to be what other people want her to be. And then, at some point, it floats into the subconscious and settles there where it will be sustained by the sporadic love and validation of the people she molds and shapes her life to match.
Well, we can collect lots of beliefs that drive us throughout our lives, and never even know that we've been letting the people and experiences of our past take turns in the driver's seat while we keep getting pushed to the back of the bus. Eventually, the bus gets so crowded we can't even see where we're going. We can't even get close enough to the front to ask, let alone take a turn at the wheel.
To be a little less abstract and a little more personal, what I noticed today was that I've been sitting in the back of the bus for a long time. A lot of time has passed that way.
Today I was thinking about what I want. I've been thinking about it a lot lately in general, and it's comical that I have to sift through layers and layers of what I think everyone else wants to get to the truth of my own desires. I've been trying to be perfect for everyone. In a lot of ways, I've gotten quite good at it. I'm stopping. I'm pushing my way to the front of the bus. I keep running into people who stop me and say, 'You're not serious, are you? You've never driven anything in your life.' The way they say it is different and unique to each of them. And I understand, they're driven too. We all are. It's what we know. When they stop me I hear them and remember them. I recognize their pain, too. I hear the ex-boyfriend say that he knows what's best for me, why don't I just sit down and let him take care of the trip. Or the old friend say that I'm most fun when I'm drinking, it's my role to be the party girl, just stay back with us we're fun too. There are so many people and I loved a lot of them. But there's a part of me that is feeling unapologetic and determined to have my turn at the wheel.
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