I fantasize often about taking a trip to another country and walking from some place to another place far away. A pilgrimage, I guess. I know of a few of these that are very sacred traditions for which people save and prepare their entire lives.
Today I made a pilgrimage from my city neighborhood to the ocean 8 miles away. I went alone. I thought a lot about life and love, two pretty broad subjects I realize.
I'm still working on that definition of love, you know. It's taking me some time.
The start of the walk was familiar and safe. I felt at home walking through the neighborhoods surrounding my apartment. There were lots of people around and I knew where I was going.
The next leg of the journey was short but very exciting. I walked through a beautiful neighborhood that I had never explored before. It was quiet and the houses and trees there were magical to me. I felt grateful to have seen it.
After this, I came to a crossroads. I could turn left and walk past miles of fast food restaurants and stores or turn right and take a more scenic route. The reason I even had to contemplate this was because I have heard more than once that the scenic route was not that safe. I chose the ugly path knowing that it would end in a prettier spot near the ocean. Taking this route was a nightmare for me, and the longest part of the journey. It was ugly, didn't feel particularly safe, and it was boring. I felt very alone and wanted many times to find a quick way out.
This road ended very subtly. It wasn't like I came over a hill and suddenly saw the ocean ahead of me. It just stopped being so ugly a little at a time, and started to become familiar again as I came closer to my destination. When I made it to the beach, I felt glad. I felt like I had done something I said I would do. I didn't feel accomplished or proud, I just felt finished. And then I felt very very alone. It was clear, in that moment, that an experience like this is better shared.
I had romanticized the idea of doing this alone. I thought that I would gain clarity on myself or the questions I had about life. I thought that I needed to be alone to hear my own answers. But the one thing that was clear was that I am tired of doing things alone. I would like to be finished trying to prove to myself or anyone else that I am able to do this alone. I am. I have. Honestly, I don't want to keep walking alone. I want someone to hug and have lunch with at the end of any long walks from now on.
I like analogies. I can't help but see the stories of living reflected in all these ways around me. Maybe that's one of the reasons I like poetry. I saw my own life reflected in this walk today. The leaving of home, the short bursts of magic and gratitude, the crossroads and choice, the long, ugly part, the aloneness and the desire for company. I could dig deeper, but I'm not going to right now. I mean, I already know the story of my life. I know how it's felt to walk up until this moment. What I want to know is which path will I take next, and who will join me?
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