So I've been learning A LOT. And what I've noticed is that I'm quiet when I'm learning. I don't have what it takes to put on a show for anyone. I'm concentrating and I'm quiet. My ego is screaming! It's saying "You seem boring.. mean.. too quiet... they aren't going to like you if you don't do better soon... be happy! have more energy! " And I hear it loud and clear. And I see it for what it is. We all have that voice. I feel myself resisting the urge to say to my new coworkers "You know, I'm actually an outgoing person, I'm just learning right now so that's why I'm being so quiet..." and trailing off into some long line of excuses and promises to be more of what I think they'd like to see. Sometimes I do mention it, or I do try to force some playfulness or joking when it isn't really coming from a place of authenticity, just so they might know I've got it in me.
It's been a challenge to be this unfamiliar version of myself in an environment where I know people have expectations of me. It's been a challenge to be patient with myself as I unfold and learn and settle into this new community. What I've noticed is that I default to some way of being or speaking that is familiar to me... a way I know how to be that is palatable, safe, approachable. It's sarcasm. Good old sarcasm. Just yesterday I was sitting in a cafe with a friend and eavesdropping on a conversation at a nearby table where two people immediately dove into conversation about a television series they both watch. They energetically discussed the details of each fictional character, each turn of plot, each dramatic exchange as if they were their closest friends. I made a comment about how glad I was to not indulge in TV series. How I believed that they are this convenient way we've found to not talk about anything real at all. And then I find myself at work that night, concentrating so hard on learning this whole new set of skills that will really probably take me years to learn fully, and in a moment when I thought I needed to speak to someone, I chose sarcasm. And I felt like a hypocrite, because sarcasm is an incredibly effective way to not talk to someone at all. Sarcasm is a tool to demean, to avoid truth, to make conversation unclear, that we carelessly use all the time. That I carelessly use as a means to communicate without risking being seen as rude. It's funny, right, if I put that tone into it. It's funny if I make the truth sound more like a question, or if I tell you how I really feel by pretending that how I really don't feel is the truth. It's confusing! And it's not honest.
Starting a new job kicks up a lot of stuff. The desire to be liked is one of those things. I want to fit in. Starting a new job really strips you down, too. There is no social infrastructure built to support me yet. I have to build my own, and that takes time. So, I'm new and know very little and am standing very much alone. There's this beauty though, of having the opportunity to just be who I am and see how it feels. The beauty of the opportunity to just be honest, to accept myself, to embrace the chance to learn so much, to be quiet and observe and find my place. I'm going to challenge myself to speak more honestly, even though I know that makes me and others uncomfortable. I'm going to practice being honest with myself and others, ask questions when I have them, listen and observe more intently. I'm going to try to resist the urge to use sarcasm as a tool to help others get to know me in a way that allows them to reject or deny without anyone having to acknowledge a thing.
Sarcasm is a way of manipulating language so that we lean away from the truth, even if just a little. When we lean away from the truth, we lean into deceit. That speaks volumes to me, because I desire to be an honest and forthright person. I'm hoping that with this awareness I'll be able to do things differently today, and at least once, just say what I need to say, or even risk saying nothing at all when I should just listen.
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